yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
