is your mom at the bar?
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
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