Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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