you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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