Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
