I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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