Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
My butt remains clenched, sir.
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