Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
