its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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