You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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