There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Randomize
