we have pet lesbian snakes
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
