You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
