I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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