There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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