I will die if light touches me.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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