I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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