he told me I talked like a deaf person
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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