i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
