Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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