Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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