I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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