I want to have your abortion
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
