Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
it's like heaven, but drunker
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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