I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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