Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I believe in your delicious
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
