Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Let's get the cat blown out
i think i just lost a toe
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
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