Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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