Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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