So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
