I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
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