If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
