think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
