R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
ok first of all what the fuck
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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