He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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