Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
