Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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