Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
