when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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