Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
