im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
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