the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
