i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
