I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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