you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
