I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
