Cold hands, warm shart.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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