there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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