My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
