Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
