Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
