ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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